Anno Domini
by Authress
Summary: Suppose Dr. Brown had not performed the miraculous on Colin...how would everyone feel?
1. Default Chapter

**Anno Domini**

"After Death"

By Authress 

_The stage must be set before this story begins…_

_What would have happened if Dr. Andrew Brown had chosen not to wake Colin from his slumber, if he had not used his miracles and saved the life of Colin Hart. What if this choice was a matter of life and death- in this case, a matter of death for Amy's precious boyfriend? How would the citizens of Everwood deal with this tragic loss and how would guilt, loss, regret and pain take its toll?_

She wore gray. It wasn't her fault. She didn't own anything black, and it had never occurred to her that she might need something so tragically dark for a distressing day as this one. Everyone else was silent, some with tears streaming down their faces. All Amy could do was turn away. They had asked her to do a eulogy, but her father declined for her. Secretly, she was glad. Strong as she tried to be sometimes, Amy knew that she could not stand up in front of everyone and say good-bye. A eulogy was so final, so ultimate, so- deathly. 

Bright hadn't come. _Of course_, she thought. _You never know who your real friends are until something like this happens._

Standing in the back, she spotted Dr. Brown. The great Doctor Brown. She didn't know what to think. She had been sure, so sure, that she was truly blessed when her father told her about the new doctor moving into town. _This is it_, she had thought. So naïve. She didn't know what she expected, after all- for him to give up the reason he moved to Everwood, to get away from it all, the hospitals, the long hours, the blood. She could understand it, but still a little part of her cried indignantly, _it isn't fair!_ But life hadn't been fair to Amy lately.

That last day at that stupid Independence Day Picnic. The last time she had seen him conscious, breathing, so alive. When the Harts first told her about what the doctors had told them, she didn't breathe for about an hour, which worried her parents even more. Amy couldn't count the number of times she had hit herself and cried, _what if_… It was a cry of the past, and now she had just resorted to staring blankly into space and trying to forget about it all.

And Ephram, right there next to his father- what could she say about him? As gentle and patient as he had been for all this time, how could she not blame him, at least just a little? She hated herself for thinking it, but if only he had tried harder to convince his father to take a risk and perform the surgery, she might have Colin by her side at that exact moment. _If only_. The lament that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

\*/

Bright sat at home, staring at this television, not really caring what Stephen and Trishelle were up to on _Real World_. Colin's funeral was being held, and he couldn't bear to pick himself up and show his respects- hell, to show his respect to his _best friend_, who he happened to have killed. Unknowingly and guiltily, yes, but he felt like a murderer nonetheless.

_Damn, I don't even have the nerves to do the right thing and confess that I had been driving. That I was the one, not Colin, who caused the accident. To apologize and say he wished it was him who was lying in the coffin, not Colin. _

He really did wish death upon himself. _They all think that I'm just being my usual preoccupied self, and I don't give two shits about him, but they cannot even begin to imagine how much I hate myself. Not even Amy can possibly be going through so much pain, so much anger, and this amount of self-loathing. Hi I'm Bright, and I've killed my best friend. _

\*/

_You stupid son of a bitch_. If it weren't for his own godammed fear of failure and his lack of aggressiveness, a 16-year-old boy would still be alive right now and he wouldn't be on the brink of losing it all over again, just like when he lost Julia. _Hell, you owe to me to give him whatever miracles you've got up your sleeve! _ The words reverberated in his head. Who knew such a self-centered comment could be the one that really hit it home. _I owed it to this town to save Colin, and I didn't do it,_ he thought hopelessly.

He noticed Amy staring at him strangely, and also (surprisingly) without hate. She just looked so sad. Sadder than anyone he'd ever seen in his entire life. He couldn't even look at her anymore. To think of all the lives he'd destroyed by saying that simple phrase, "I can't do it." Saying sorry would not even come close to being enough.

He held out his hands in front of him, and for a fleeting moment wished that he did not have the power to perform "miracles", that he didn't have those magical hands that could heal blindness and restore life to those near death. He wished he didn't have the power to do such glorious things, but then he stopped-

The truth was, he wished he had used that power…

To be continued…


	2. A New Life?

Anno Domini

Chapter 2

He hated seeing his daughter heartbroken. The entire town regarded him as a small-hearted grinch with no feelings at all, but he knew that wasn't true, and Amy and Bright did too. _I should have tried harder to convince Andy to do surgery on Colin._ All he had down was try to make it seem that just because Dr. Brown was his idol, he owed to him. It hadn't struck home, apparently.

Amy was trying hard not to cry, he could tell. She was biting her lip and looking at the ground. How is she supposed to live a normal, happy life now that Colin has been taken from her? How can she ever be joyous again? He felt the guilt rising inside him, bubbling inside his stomach and slowly moving its way up his esophagus, until he nearly choked on it. How could he have been so stupid? _I should have known this would happen if I didn't try enough. It was that fierce pride of mine. I should have gotten on my knees and should have near begged for Andy to help save Colin's life. _ But he had been too proud and too arrogant to go that far.

Anger, mixed with the guilt, arose for Andy. The least he could have done was give a good reason to the Hart's. He could have said his hands were no longer equipped with a gift, that Colin had no chance of survival anyway, that he couldn't be saved. Instead, he had said that he was scared of the consequences if he failed. That he didn't have the stomach to face the world if the operation did not go well. That he would never forgive himself if he was the cause, ultimately, of Colin's death.

He glanced over to Andy, standing there with unthinkable pain in his eyes. _No doubt he is more ready to kill himself than I am. Good, _he thought, _Andy deserves it. _

\*/

His father held Delia's hand. She looked somber, her second funeral in a year. How is it possible that she has to go through so much death? _She's too young for this_, he thought bitterly.

Delia fidgeted a lot, looking at him as if saying, "Why are we here?" He didn't know why he was there either. Cursing himself, he thought that maybe Amy would need some help getting through this tragedy. _Even when the entire town is stuck in pause over their finest, you are still absorbed with yourself and getting Amy_. Shaking his head, he tried to concentrate on the minister's words. Mrs. Hart was all out sobbing by now, as her husband tried to console her. The Abbottt's were standing nearby. Bright was missing. _Figures_, he thought. _He didn't show up to his best friend's funeral._ Amy had still not cried, at least in public. He longed to talk to her, to try to get through, to hug her, and say it was okay. His heart lunged as she walked up to the coffin and placed a single white rose on it.

The tears began to come to his eyes. _Why are you crying over someone you've never talked to? _He could hit himself for being such a coward. For being a coward by not trying to get Amy, for not trying to help his father see how important Colin was to her, for not being able to talk to her now. 

He felt even more cowardly than his father, the indestructible, amazing Andrew Brown, who had somehow failed the boy who lied inside the coffin as a physician.

But it was worse for Ephram, who had failed Amy as a friend.


End file.
